


Love Is A Losing Game

by piningbisexuals



Category: HIStory2-越界 | HIStory2: Boundary Crossing (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, small-ish age gap, yu hao is 21 and zi xuan 30
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-06-29 13:57:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19831639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piningbisexuals/pseuds/piningbisexuals
Summary: Zi Xuan meets Yu Hao, a PE trainee in his school who’s seductive, who always gets what he wants but who’s also 9 years younger than him. In the game of love, Zi Xuan finds himself incapable of resisting him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is the game of ‘how many times can I allude to sex without writing a sex scene’ lmao
> 
> There are brief references to my fic ‘The fabric of my heart’ so I would advise you to read it beforehand so you don’t feel lost and you enjoy the crossover :)
> 
> All of my fics and much more are available on tumblr @ piningbisexuals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by the trainee we had for one gym class at my high school and who was so fucking hot all the girls were dying to talk to him lmao

During Zi Xuan’s few years as a PE teacher, he had gotten used to having one or two trainees with him for a week each year.

It was just how it was, the students who specialized in sports and wanted to become PE teachers always had to come assist a teacher to see the reality of the job.

Zi Xuan never minded these students, in fact it was pleasing to see younger guys wanting to do the same job as him.

While Zi Xuan was freshly thirty, being a teacher always made him feel way older. A teacher, for the students, was always old and wise, stripped from their youth the moment they set a foot on school grounds.

His students probably expected him to be married with kids…

This week, he was supposed to have a trainee again, for the first time of the year. He was only supposed to meet him, because he was late. His first class of the day had started and the Principal always sent Zi Xuan’s timetable to the trainees in advance.

Zi Xuan didn’t really care, too focused on his students to really think about it. It was only half an hour later that a running boy entered the gymnasium.

Zi Xuan looked at the source of the noise, and it was him. He couldn’t be anyone else because he looked too old to be in high school and too young to be a teacher.

He was twenty, probably, and in great shape physically, even though he was still red and breathless from his running into here.

“Hi!” The trainee finally exclaimed once his breath had came back. “I’m really sorry I’m late! My subway had a problem so I had to run to get here!”

His students were doing their own thing while they were talking in front of the gymnasium’s doors. Usually Zi Xuan hated people who were late, but he could see that this kid was being truthful. He seemed like a good guy.

Zi Xuan put a hand on his shoulder for a brief moment. “It’s okay. You’re here for a whole week anyway, you’ll see many PE classes.”

“Thank you for understanding,” the young man smiled.

“What is your name?”

“Xia Yu Hao.”

“You wanna be a PE teacher?”

The kid nodded vividly.

“Well, good,” Zi Xuan smiled. “Okay, so for this first day you’ll just watch the class, and later I’ll have you participate in it more.”

“Okay, thank you.”

The first class went well. A few girls kept staring at the trainee though, which wasn’t unusual. Of course teenage girls would lose their minds over a buff older guy. Zi Xuan had to admit that this one was particularly good looking.

After that first class, it was time for the lunch break. Zi Xuan always ate in the teachers’ lounge, and had taken a habit of taking the trainees there with him.

After a brief trip to the cafeteria where all the kids greeted him to fetch their meals, they went up to the fourth floor and entered the teachers lounge. Half of them were there, the rest having their lunch break an hour later.

Zi Xuan went to his favorite spot next to his favorite colleague Shao Fei, the art teacher. Yu Hao looked quite uncomfortable to be here, like the past trainees always were.

He was still young, for him the teachers’ lounge was still a sacred place. Zi Xuan didn’t really pay attention to him, favoring his friend.

“Hello,” he said cheerily. “How is our artist today?”

Shao Fei smiled as he always did when he referred to him like that. “I’m fine. You’ve got a trainee this week?”

Zi Xuan turned to the young man who was looking incredibly stiff, giving Shao Fei an awkward nod.

“Yeah,” Zi Xuan responded. “He’s still adapting a little, but he’ll get used to eating with the old people.”

The three of them laughed, and suddenly, the mood had been lifted.

Halfway through their break, Shao Fei had to leave. “I have to prepare for the next class. If you saw how these kids left my classroom… there’s paint everywhere.”

“Isn’t it always the case?” Zi Xuan mocked, waving his friend goodbye.

Once they were left alone, Zi Xuan finally focused on the trainee. Most of the teachers were photocopying things or chatting away, not paying any attention to them. “Want some coffee?”

“Sure,” Yu Hao smiled.

He got up and bought two coffees from the machine, before going back to his sit.

“So, Xia Yu Hao, why do you want to become a PE teacher?”

“Well… it always stems from a personal story, doesn’t it?” Yu Hao smiled. “I was never the greatest student, I was actually pretty bad. One day, the captain of the volleyball team in my school saw me escape from the Principal and wanted me to join his volleyball team. Of course, I said no. I had always been good at sports but it wasn’t a huge interest of mine… I was forced to though, because he asked my physics teacher to threaten to fail me if I didn’t join. She was the team’s coach, so she agreed, which blackmailed me into joining… and wow, I loved it more than anything else in my life. So, yeah… I went on to study sports. I want to be a PE teacher that encourage all the students to do their best. Maybe I can change students’ lives like this situation changed me.”

Zi Xuan put down his empty cup on the table, impressed.

“Well, wow. You got me at volleyball.”

The student seemed lost, which made him smile. “I was a volleyball player as well.”

“Really? We might have played against each other in high school then!” Yu Hao exclaimed.

Zi Xuan marked a pause before exploding of laughter. “Which age do you think I am? You’re barely twenty!”

“I’m twenty one, for that matter,” he retorted with an embarrassed smile. “I’d give you 25 at most.”

Zi Xuan found himself blushing. “Damn, that’s a great compliment. But I’m thirty.”

“Really?!”

“Hm,” he nodded, smiling.

“Well you don’t look like it.”

Yu Hao’s week as a trainee went by very quickly, especially since Zi Xuan had never gotten along with a trainee as much as he did with him.

Their love for volleyball and sports in general was a great topic of conversation and they never seemed to run out of things to say.

Usually, by the second day, the trainees barely talked to him anymore outside of class, but Yu Hao seemed to actually enjoy talking to him.

In a week, they had almost become friends, and Zi Xuan was kind of sad to see him go.

But at the same time, it was a good thing, because he seemed to have developed a tiny infatuation for the young man, which wasn’t healthy at all. Especially since Zi Xuan never fell for people as young as Yu Hao.

It was the last class of the week, and Yu Hao was being the referee for the badminton game that was going on and Zi Xuan kept looking at him from his own court.

It sucked, but the boy would go in half an hour and Zi Xuan would go back to being old and single.

“Okay, we’re done for today!” He finally announced at the end of the class. “Say goodbye to Xia Yu Hao and wish him luck in becoming a PE teacher!”

After all the kids said goodbye and started going to the locker room to get changed, Zi Xuan and Yu Hao took down the badminton nets before going out of the gymnasium.

A girl was waiting for them, a piece of paper in hand. She was 18 and would graduate in a few months.

“Excuse me,” she said in Yu Hao’s direction, face confident but voice wavering. “I want to give you this.”

And with that, she extended the piece of paper, turned around and walked away, almost running. Zi Xuan stole a glance at the paper, and as he thought, it had her phone number on it.

He almost made a comment when Yu Hao walked to the nearest trashcan and put it in it.

He turned to look at Zi Xuan, a smile displayed on his lips. “I want to thank you for everything. Would you… come to eat dinner at my apartment right now?”

Zi Xuan stayed silent for a while, a little shocked. It was the first time a trainee invited him outside of school, and it probably wasn’t the best idea to go to the apartment of the one he had a slight crush on but couldn’t act upon.

Nonetheless, he still nodded slowly, feeling his heart jump up in his chest.

“Sure, I hope you’re a good cook, though.”

“You’ll see,” Yu Hao winked.

They took the bus to his apartment building, which was about thirty minutes away.

They didn’t talk much in the bus, which was a first for them. It was a student complex, which made Zi Xuan feel a little uncomfortable to be the only one over 30.

Yu Hao lived alone, which was both a blessing and a curse for Zi Xuan. A blessing, because he wouldn’t feel even more awkward to hang out with two guys in their twenties. A curse, because it meant that no one would be here to stop them if they made a mistake.

The apartment was very small but cosy. It was incredibly tidy for a twenty-one years old apartment, too. Zi Xuan still remembered the state of his first student apartment at Yu Hao’s age. That thought made him shiver a little bit.

“What do you want to drink?”

Usually, Zi Xuan would drink a beer on the week-end, but tonight he wanted to stay as sober as he could.

“Just water, thanks.”

“Here you go,” Yu hao said as he put down a glass in front of Zi Xuan. “I’m gonna start cooking now.”

The next half hour was spent talking to the cooking student while observing his studio. After a few minutes, it started to smell really good, and Zi Xuan stopped doubting the trainee’s cooking skills. He, for one, was not much of a cook. He had gotten better at it in his adult life, though.

“Ta-da!” Yu Hao announced, placing the plates in front of the PE teacher.

Zi Xuan faked being hesitant under Yu Hao’s curious gaze, before taking a bite of his plate.

“Wow. You’re good.” He finally said.

It was pretty damn perfect. This was restaurant-level delicious. He took another bite.

“Are you sure you don’t want to become a cook instead?”

Yu Hao laughed, shy, finally tasting his own dish. “Well, if that whole PE teacher doesn’t work, I’ll know what to do.” He joked.

“I mean, you’re a great trainee,” Zi Xuan nuanced. “But this is… really good.”

“Thanks,” he smiled. “By the way, could you tell me in details what you thought of me?”

Zi Xuan was surprised. It was the first time a trainee asked him to review him.

“Well… you’re still a little shy and hesitant with the students, which is normal. All the trainees I’ve had were like you or even worse. Apart from that I don’t have much to say. You seemed to get along with the kids and when I used you as an example for the exercises you always did it perfectly.”

Yu Hao was blushing a little now. “Thank you. That means a lot.”

“To be honest, I’m even surprised that you chose to go the teaching route. You could be a personal coach, or even an athlete. But you told me about why you’re doing this, so I applaud you.”

Yu Hao nodded, and they ate in silence for a few minutes.

“Can I ask you something?” Yu Hao questioned. “Why did you become a PE teacher?”

“That’s a valid question,” Zi Xuan smiled. “Well, as you know I was a volleyball player in high school. I was also a great student, and could’ve done pretty much anything. But then I hurt my knee while playing volleyball, and stayed on the team as the manager. And I realized I loved that. Now that I couldn’t be on the court, I still loved helping my teammates win from the side of the court. So I decided to become a PE teacher and manage the volleyball team there. So that’s what I’ve been doing for 8 years.”

His plate was empty, and he finally looked up to see Yu Hao completely frozen with a look he couldn’t read on his face. “Are you okay?”

The student unfroze immediately, smiling shyly. “Yeah. That was a great story.”

“As you said, everyone has a personal story as to why they chose their path.”

Yu Hao nodded, looking down at their plates. “Let me tidy up.”

Once he was done, Zi Xuan decided it was time to leave. It had been a really nice evening, but he felt that it was time to go.

“Well thank you for the meal, it was delicious. I’m gonna go home now.” He announced while Yu Hao’s back was turned to him.

“Wait! There’s still dessert!”

“Oh.” Zi Xuan felt rude and dumb all at once. “Sure.”

“Let’s take it on my balcony. The sun is setting.”

Yu Hao had installed a table and two stools on his small balcony, which made for a really beautiful spot. Sat next to each other and enjoying a delicious dessert, Zi Xuan relaxed completely.

“You’ve got a better view from your student apartment than from mine,” he joked.

“It’s pretty neat,” Yu Hao agreed, looking at him with a faint smile.

“You know, you could’ve kept that student’s number. She’s 18,” he finally said.

Yu Hao laughed softly. “18 or not, she’s not my type.”

“What is your type?”

As soon as their gazes crossed, he regretted asking. Yu Hao didn’t answer right away, maintaining eye contact with a hesitant smile.

Finally, a daring look came to him, and he answered: “Guess.”

With that, Zi Xuan felt a hand on his thigh, caressing it through his pants, and suddenly time slowed down. He should’ve have gotten up and went home but he didn’t.

Instead, he just stayed there, mouth slightly open, letting him touch him. It felt too warm there, and his head felt a little dizzy despite not having drank a drop of alcohol.

“What are you doing?” He found the courage to ask.

He heard Yu Hao smirk next to him, getting even closer. “What do you think I’m doing? You think I haven’t seen how you look at me?”

Zi Xuan closed his eyes, embarrassed. He should’ve left before dessert. His self-control was thinning down.

He felt a hand the side of his neck, forcing him to turn around. He opened his eyes and Yu Hao was a few centimeters away, approaching at high speed.

When their lips met, Zi Xuan abandoned even trying to resist. They kissed softly for a few seconds, before getting passionate almost immediately.

Despite knowing it was wrong, he knew it was probably only for a night. His self control was entirely gone and he seemed to want Yu Hao like he had never wanted anyone before.

Fuck. He had lost.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been a while since Zi Xuan had woken up in an unknown bed. A full year, to be precise. That’s how long he’d been single.

But now, he was in the bed of a 21 years old student whose arm was keeping him from running away.

It’s not that he wanted to run away… though he could maybe consider it if Yu Hao wasn’t half-laying on top of him, but he still wanted to get up some time soon.

While it was a Saturday and he didn’t have any obligation, his stomach was starting to gurgle from hunger and he really wanted to eat something.

Luckily, like a superior being had heard his grievance, he felt Yu Hao shift besides him. The young man smiled at him, kissing his cheek.

“Good morning. Did you sleep okay?”

“Uh, yeah,” Zi Xuan answered, surprised by his non-expeditious attitude.

He thought students were all well-versed in hook up culture, knowing the in and outs of it, especially when it came down to the morning after.

“Great. I’m gonna bake you a dope breakfast.”

They mostly ate in silence, Yu hao being sat right next to Zi Xuan instead of the opposite side like the night before. They were so close Zi Xuan could feel their shoulders touch from time to time.

“What are you doing with your Saturday?” the student wondered.

Nothing, he had wanted to answer, but it was better to pretend to be busy. “I’m seeing my friends this afternoon.”

“Oh that’s great. Me too,” he concluded.

They finished their meal in silence and Zi Xuan went to put his shoes on and leave, Yu Hao standing right behind him.

When he turned around, the student was extending his phone with a shy look. “Can I have your phone number before you leave?”

Zi Xuan sighed. What was better? Saying he wasn’t interested, or giving him a fake number? While he was usually one for honesty, he found himself too tired to try and explain why he didn’t want to give him his number, so instead he took the phone and entered his number, only with one false digit.

When he gave it back, Yu Hao smiled and kissed him softly. “Thanks. See you later, maybe?”

He nodded, plastering a fake smile on and finally escaping from his devil’s grip.

As he went down the stairs, not wanting to be shut in an elevator with students eyeing him up and down like he was a sugar daddy, he still managed to cross path with a few of them, who didn’t really pay attention to him. While he was mostly ignored, he felt like it was written on his forehead: ‘is a weird pervert who takes advantage of younger guys.’

In the bus he took to go back home, he still felt like people were staring at him. Sex with Yu Hao had felt… great. Mind-blowing, even. He couldn’t deny that the guy was multi-talented, but he didn’t expect him to ask for his number. Why did this immature young adult wanted to see him, a literal old bore, again?

It’s not that Zi Xuan didn’t know his worth, or was self-deprecating in any way. He knew he wasn’t boring, untalented or bad looking… for someone his age. He would never have this attitude if he dated

someone older than 25, but he was thinking about a guy almost still in his teenage years. And while they got along, had great chemistry and could maybe theoretically work if they were the same age,

they weren’t.

So no matter how great the impression he had left on him was, Zi Xuan needed to forget about him.

Zi Xuan spent the rest of his Saturday laying in bed on his computer.

He felt weird. Maybe it was because he just had sex for the first time in a very long time, maybe because his conscience was torturing him by making him seem like a pervert for hooking up with such a young guy.

To be clear, Zi Xuan had nothing against age gaps; his own parents had a ten years difference. But he still felt someone had to be 25 or even 30 for the age difference to become insignificant. A thirty years old hooking up with a twenty-one years old just felt sort of predatory, even though it was Yu Hao who had pursued him and he was a consenting adult.

On Sunday, Zi Xuan went back to his childhood apartment to eat with his parents and sister. She had managed to find a long term significant other before he did, which didn’t make him feel better. If a player like his sister could find someone, so could he.

It’s not that Zi Xuan was desperate to find someone; he’d had a few steady relationships before. But somehow he still managed to feel envious of his sister’s relationship with her boyfriend.

“I think he’s gonna propose,” Qian Ru announced during lunch that day.

Their parents made noise of excitement, his mom running to hug her. “That’s great, darling!”

“How do you know?” Zi Xuan couldn’t help but ask, knowing his sister’s tendencies to exaggerate almost all that she said.

“I just… got that feeling.”

Both mother and daughter squealed at those words, which left Zi Xuan rolling his eyes.

“What about you, son?”

The problem with these kinds of question was that they could lead to either a short answer or a very long one; either you said the one most interesting thing that happened that week, or you narrated every small moments. While Qian Ru had always been in the second category, Zi Xuan was part of the first, though he tried to be more communicative as the years went by.

“Well, not much happened this week to be honest. I had a trainee with me.” He added the last part to show them at least one insignificant thing had happened.

“Oooooh, was he cute?” Qian Ru inquired. “I remember the trainees that came to my high school, they were always so hot.”

“I mean, a girl gave him her number so… I guess he is.”

Pretending to be straight to his family had gotten tiring ten years ago, and now Zi Xuan was wondering if he should finally come out.

Maybe he’d do it someday, but not right now after having talked about Yu Hao.

On Monday, life seemed to have returned to its normal state, and Zi Xuan started to forget about the trainee he had a one night stand with.

He focused on his students and talked with Shao Fei about his upcoming comic that had just been picked up by an editor.

Still, while life was good, it wasn’t as flavorful as the time before he met Yu Hao. Like a spicy meal, it’s like he had destroyed his taste buds, leaving his sense of taste slightly altered in the long run.

When Zi Xuan got out of school that day, he expected everything but Yu Hao waiting for him in front of the gates. He looked a little timid but confident in his mission.

Zi Xuan felt his heart beat. Had he hooked up with a stalker? Or worse, was this guy never going to let him forget him? No matter what it was, his stomach turned upside down.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, almost urgent.

“I think you made a mistake with your number. I called and an old lady answered me.” Yu Hao explained, walking closer to him.

“Xia Yu Hao…” he said, feeling exhausted. “What are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

Zi Xuan sighed. He was way past the age for these little games. “Do you think we’re dating now? Because we’re not. You’re way too young for me.”

Yu Hao got a little red, a mix between embarrassment and anger. “Who said anything about dating?!” He replied. “We’re just having fun, that’s all.”

“Yeah well the fun stopped 2 days ago. Let’s leave it at that.”

Zi Xuan felt so stressed he hadn’t realized he and Yu Hao had walked to his bus stop.

Yu Hao got even closer to him, looking at him square in the eyes.

“What are you stressing out for? You’ve shown me you’re into me, you’ve made that perfectly clear last time.”

He was now so close to him he was whispering directly in his ears. “Come on, let’s hang out and have fun again.”

Zi Xuan detached himself from him and stared at the young man for a while. His mind blank and heart pounding.

“Okay.”

Damn it. He had lost again.

They took the bus to Yu Hao’s student complex, just as they had done a few days earlier. Zi Xuan still felt ashamed from going up a student’s apartment at his age, maybe even more than the last time.

At least, on Friday, he wasn’t sure of what was gonna happen.

Now he knew very well.

As soon, as Yu Hao closed the door, he opened his fridge.

“Sit down on the couch if you want. Do you want something to drink?”

“A beer, thanks.”

The first time he didn’t want to drink so as not to do anything wrong. Now it was too late for that. Might as well get some liquid courage.

Yu Hao came over, two beer bottle in hand, and sat down on his lap with a coy smile.

“Let’s get you to relax,” he declared, face awfully close.

To say that the feel and view of Yu Hao on his lap wasn’t arousing would be a complete lie. Zi Xuan was already half hard in a minute. He took a big gulp of his beer. Yu Hao’s arm rested around his shoulders, while the other held his own bottle.

He was sat directly on Zi Xuan’s genitals too, wiggling slightly every few minutes, which didn’t make it any easier to resist. Zi Xuan finished his beer in a few minutes, looking up at the studio’s ceiling.

Yu Hao’s hands made their way to the side of his face, forcing him to look in his direction.

“Why do you seem grumpy?” He wondered.

“You know why,” Zi Xuan uttered in a low voice.

Yu Hao smiled, kissing him slowly. “Then let’s get you to relax, shall we?”

In his ten years as a sexually active man, Zi Xuan had never had sex on a couch. It was hot for sure, everything with Yu Hao was, but it did feel like he was in a bad sugar daddy porno.

After a couple hours, Zi Xuan realized he had to go home; he started early the next day.

“I need to go.”

Yu Hao kissed his cheek. “Could I have your real number this time?”

“Hm,” Zi Xuan nodded, entering his real number this time. He knew the student would come to his school everyday if he didn’t.

Yu Hao immediately pressed dial when he got his phone back, and smiled when he heard Zi Xuan’s phone ring. Their tongues tangled together for a while, before he opened the door and left.

Weirdly, Zi Xuan didn’t feel as guilty as the first time. He still did, of course, but at this point he couldn’t really escape the grasp Yu Hao seemed to have on him. With some chance they would hook up for a month before Yu Hao got bored of him.

It was clear the student was an expert at hooking up with strangers: he was a constant flirt, knew how to turn on guys, insatiable in bed and also pretty damn good at sex. In a week or two, a month top, he would forget about Zi Xuan.

Yu Hao called him on Wednesday. Zi Xuan didn’t have class all afternoon and so did he apparently.

“Hey,” his voice sounded younger on the phone.

“Hey.”

“What are you doing this afternoon?”

“Not much,” he answered. He didn’t want to lie anymore. “And you?”

“Same. Would you like to hang out with me?”

They found each other in the trendy part of Taipei, near cafes and edgy clothing stores, at 4 in the afternoon. Yu Hao looked cute. Zi Xuan didn’t want him to think they were going on a date, seeing each other outside of his sheltered apartment.

But at the same time, he sort of wanted to give in to everything that young man was asking of him. He liked him, a little too much, and didn’t have the heart to say no.

“Let’s go to this store!”

Zi Xuan spent the next hour or so watching Yu Hao try on trendy clothes. He looked good in all of them. They fit his body so well, and he was actually the age to wear them. If Zi Xuan tried on any of these he’d look absolutely ridiculous.

After that, Yu Hao took on the mission to get him to try some clothes. They went to a less edgy store that sold reasonable clothes and Yu Hao put a bunch of stuff in his cart.

The thing was, Zi Xuan wasn’t even looking for clothes, but seeing Yu Hao’s joy at the prospect of him trying what he chose made him accept.

A few of the clothes looked good, actually. The store was pretty deserted and he was the only one in the clothing room with Yu Hao sitting right in front of it on a chair. When Zi Xuan tried the jeans and top he liked the most, Yu Hao couldn’t keep a gasp from escaping his mouth.

“Zi Xuan,” he whispered, getting up and coming at the entry of the room. “You look so good.”

And suddenly, he was pushing him into the clothing room and shutting the curtain down. Pressed against the mirror, Zi Xuan let himself be kissed, reciprocating happily until he felt a hand on his crotch.

“What are you doing?”

Yu Hao shushed him with a vicious smile before opening his zipper and pressing there even more.

Zi Xuan ended up buying the outfit, and not only because he came in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zi Xuan has no self-control and Yu Hao is kind of a nymphomaniac lmao


	3. Chapter 3

It had become a regular thing, Yu Hao and him meeting up. Almost every day, actually. Mostly for sex, yes, but they sometimes did other things, like shopping or going to the movies.

While Zi Xuan was spending more because he usually didn’t go out that much, he appreciated the fact that Yu Hao always paid for his things. At least he didn’t feel like Yu Hao was using him as a sugar daddy.

From time to time, Zi Xuan still wondered why Yu Hao was interested in him. He found the courage to ask him about three weeks after their first time.

“Do you… have a kink for older people?”

Yu Hao exploded in laughter, head still on Zi Xuan’s chest. “Not really, no. I first thought you were 25 max, remember? And if I had an age kink I’d date a 40 years old, not you.”

It was a good point. Zi Xuan nodded, caressing his hair softly.

“Why are you so hung up on this age thing anyway? It’s getting tiring.”

Zi Xuan sighed. “I don’t know… it’s like… I’m corrupting you or something.”

And Yu Hao laughed again. “Zi Xuan, I’m the one who corrupted you. I’m not too young or immature, for you or for anyone. So stop it.”

It was all concluded with a kiss, which meant Zi Xuan had lost again.

They went to a gay club. It was the first time Zi Xuan went to a gay club. He had never been friends with many LGBT individuals and never felt the need to go there. But Yu Hao had begged and begged until he accepted, so here he was, dancing the night away.

They had been sleeping together for a month too, and Yu Hao didn’t seem to have gotten bored of him yet. There were a few of his acquaintances there, who had made a comment about them.

“Is he your boyfriend?”

“No, he’s my sugar daddy,” Yu Hao had answered sardonically.

Some of the guys hadn’t really understood the joke, cooing as if he’d just confirmed his relationship, while the other made awkward faces at his tone.

After that exchange, they had separated themselves from the group and danced together in corner of the room.

Zi Xuan thought he’d feel awkward, dancing like an idiot surrounded by literal teenagers, but he didn’t. Sure, he had to drink some vodka before he dared to start dancing but that was still a big thing for him.

He had fun with Yu Hao. Lots of it. It wasn’t just sexually, though that Pandora box never stopped revealing its secrets, but they hung out outside a lot too. And it was great. Zi Xuan’s life had been bettered by Yu Hao, though his wallet had become leaner. He’d trade one for the other any day, though.

It was so warm in there. At least 10°C more than outside. The music blasted in their ears made them all half-deaf, though no one seemed to care. Yu Hao was attached to his hip, mostly because the club was so crowded that night.

Zi Xuan could feel him grinding against him, hands on his waist, and he let his head fall on Yu Hao’s shoulder. It felt good to be there.

He had seen many people staring at them throughout the night, and for once he didn’t mind it. His ego was glad to show up with such an attractive piece of eye-candy on his arm.

He felt Yu Hao’s mouth on his neck, sucking on it for a while, his lower body still grinding against his ass. He could feel him rock hard against him, and he was too. Maybe it was the drinks, maybe it was Yu Hao, but Zi Xuan wasn’t ashamed to be having some foreplay in front of a crowd of strangers. In fact, it only aroused him more.

“I want you so bad,” Yu Hao moaned in his ear, biting it roughly.

“Let’s go home then,” he said in his ear.

“I live so far away… let’s do it in the bathroom please.”

“We can go to my apartment. It’s like 15 minutes away.”

He felt Yu Hao stop behind him. It was the first time he talked about inviting him home. Of the many times they had messed around, all of them had happened at Yu Hao’s studio, Zi Xuan always refusing to bring him back to his place.

“Are you sure?”

“Hm,” he nodded, kissing him.

Yu Hao’s serious face disappeared as quickly as it had come and he went back to grinding against him.

“Let’s go there then. But before… I need an appetizer.”

After brief blowjobs in the bathroom, it was time to go. It was about 2 am, when they stumbled onto the streets, walking 15 minutes to his apartment while intoxicated.

Zi Xuan stumbled around, arm firmly placed around Yu Hao who was slightly more sober than him so he didn’t fall. Suddenly, he ran into a familiar face.

“Qian Ru!”

She wasn’t with her boyfriend but her gay friends with whom she went clubbing sometimes. It was the gay neighborhood after all.

His sister didn’t seem happy to see him, which made Zi Xuan a little upset.

“Zi Xuan… what are you doing here?” She asked, a little panicked at seeing him in a stranger’s arms.

“Well I went to the club of course!” He exclaimed, speech slurred, looking at Yu Hao who seemed as clueless as him.

His sister looked at him weird. She wanted to ask why he went to a gay club, though she had an inkling, but decided against it. He was way too drunk for them to have this talk.

And a question was even more important. “Do you know this guy, Zi Xuan?”

“Of course!” He responded, looking into Yu Hao’s eyes with a smirk.

“Are you sure?”

She was now awfully close to him, making him sober up a little. He stared at her right in the eyes.

“Qian Ru, don’t worry. I’m sure.”

She still looked a little hesitant, but nodded slowly. “Be careful.”

“Don’t worry!” He said, starting to walk again.

When they woke up the next day, they hadn’t even had sex, passing out as soon as their bodies touched the bed.

Zi Xuan’s head was pounding, and he felt like he probably looked like shit. He hadn’t even seen himself in the mirror, but he could still tell. Yu Hao was still sleeping, peaceful.

It was half past noon already, and his stomach was gargling. He got up and went into the kitchen, trying to prepare a lunch even his poor cooking skills could succeed at.

During that moment in silence and loneliness, he remembered that his sister had seen him last night. In the gay neighborhood. With Yu Hao on his arm. He shivered a little bit thinking about it, but didn’t feel ashamed. He sure didn’t want to come out this way, drunk and horny. But it was too late now.

After a few minutes, while he was trying not to burn his delicately cooked lunch, he felt arms around his waist, and Yu Hao’s head against his back.

“Hi,” he said with a smile.

“Hm, good morning,” Yu Hao groaned, moving to his side, an arm still around his waist. “Or probably good afternoon instead.”

Zi Xuan laughed. “Yeah.”

“It smells good.”

“Thanks, I’m trying not to burn anything.”

“Do you want me to step in?”

“No, it’s okay. It’s almost done.”

The truth was that Zi Xuan really wanted to make something for Yu Hao, who always cooked him the most delicious meals from scratch. He wanted to make him happy, too.

They ate in his living room, sat really close together like Yu Hao liked them to be. He had said a few times that his meal was ‘delicious’, which made Zi Xuan’s heart content.

“Your sister saw us last night,” Yu Hao finally announced.

“Yeah,” he nodded slowly. “I know.”

Yu Hao seemed to hesitate, noticing his change of mood. “Are you… out to her?”

Zi Xuan smiled ironically. “I’m not out to much people. There’s you, obviously. Shao Fei, the art teacher at my school. Cheng En, my best friend. And my ex-girlfriend.”

“Your… ex-girlfriend knew you…?”

“Liked both girls and boys, yeah.”

Saying that, he realized that he had never really came out officially to Yu Hao, who probably thought that he was only into men.

“How did she take it?” Yu Hao wondered.

“Fine, at first. But after a few months she started getting worried about me cheating on her with men. She hated my relationship with Shao Fei, who’s gay, even though nothing ever happened between us.”

“So she broke up with you.”

“Actually, I broke up with her. I didn’t want to because I loved her so much, but the situation had become unlivable.”

Yu Hao nodded in understanding. They fell silent for a little while.

“What about you, are you out to your mom?”

Zi Xuan knew a little bit about Yu Hao’s life, including the fact that he was raised by his single mom his entire life. He had to take on part-time jobs at 16 to help her, despite her insisting she didn’t need it. He was really close to her, Zi Xuan knew as much.

“Yeah,” Yu Hao replied with a smile. “I came out to her when I started high school. She said she knew I was gay, even though I was a very masculine guy. She has always accepted me.”

Zi Xuan smiled softly. “That’s great.”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “What about you? Will you ever come out to your parents?”

“I have been thinking about it for a while. Now that my sister knows, I’m gonna have to do it for sure.”

“You think she’d tell them?”

Zi Xuan shook his head. “No. My sister is annoying, but she’s a good person. But I still feel like I have to come clean to them all, you know?”

“If you feel like doing it, you should.”

They had finished their meal, and Yu Hao was fidgeting on his seat. Zi Xuan put a hand on his knee.

“What’s going on?”

Yu Hao looked at him sheepishly, in a way he hadn’t been before.

“I was wondering if you wanted me to go home. It’s already a lot that you invited me here.”

Zi Xuan smiled. Yu Hao had never been so thoughtful before.

“Stay.”

The next day, when he went to his parents’ house for their Sunday lunch, Qian Ru was acting weird. And weird, for her, meant barely talking or smiling but instead being lost in her thoughts.

“What’s going on, darling?” their mom asked halfway through the meal.

“Uh? Nothing,” she responded, faking a smile.

She had barely looked at him at all, avoiding his gaze and never addressing him. It hurt, a lot. They had always been really close.

“I have something to say,” Zi Xuan announced, putting his chopsticks on the table.

All the looks turned in his direction, including Qian Ru. At least she looked at him now.

“It’s something I’ve known for a while, but I didn’t know how to tell you.”

He looked at Qian Ru, who nodded to encourage him to say it.

“I’m bisexual.” The silence was deafening. “It means I can fall in love with girls but also with boys.”

They didn’t speak for a while until his mom let out a soft: “Darling.”

She wasn’t crying, which was a win in itself. He had expected her to. She was the queen of emotional moments.

His dad was looking at him intently, a small smile displayed on the corner of his mouth.

Qian Ru had gotten up and was hugging him, hard and long.

“I’m so proud of you, big brother.”

After a little while, she went back in her sit. Zi Xuan felt like he had to talk again.

“So yeah, I hope you’ll accept me.”

“We do, darling,” his mom replied, taking his hand in hers.

Zi Xuan turned to his dad. He nodded again, with the same smile, before finally speaking. “Well, you know, you using my computer at sixteen to look at porn had kinda made me guess already.”

Zi Xuan became red immediately, ignoring his sister’s devil laugh. His mom was laughing too.

“I thought that I deleted the history...” he whispered in disbelief.

He had came out to his dad 14 years before he even knew it. That was some kind of record.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked.

“You were so young. I didn’t want to put pressure on you.”

At this moment, Zi Xuan wanted to cry. His dad had always been so thoughtful.

“So you’ve had boyfriends then?” Qian Ru asked. “Are you dating the boy I saw you with?”

Of course, they had to explain to their parents that they had seen each other the day before, and that it was the reason for Zi Xuan’s coming out on this specific day. After that, Zi Xuan still had to answer a question.

“I dated a guy in high school and one in college. Then it was only girls.”

“What about the guy I saw you with?” Qian Ru pressed, like it was an urgent matter.

“We’re not dating. He’s too young for me.”

“But you’re seeing him, right?”

Damn his nosy sister. What should Zi Xuan say? We’re fucking and going on dates and I talk to him about everything and I’m in love with him but we’re not together? He had just been accepted by them and didn’t want to try their patience.

“Yes.”

“Ooooooh, my brother has a boyfriend!” she cooed, and Zi Xuan put his face in his arms.

Now he had to make sure Yu Hao never met his family.

When he left, they all hugged him for a while. He went to his bus stop and immediately called Yu Hao.

“I came out to them. They accepted me.”

He could hear Yu Hao’s smile through the phone. “That’s great Zi Xuan. Wanna come to my apartment to celebrate?”

“Come to mine, I have better drinks.”

His mouth hurt from smiling so wide.

“I’ll be there in half an hour.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my kink is people being in love but keeping themselves from being together because they’re worried and dumb


	4. Chapter 4

“You’ll never believe what I’m gonna tell you,” Shao Fei announced as he sat down next to him during their lunch break.

“You’ve met a guy.” Zi Xuan answered, sipping his glass of water.

Shao Fei’s eyes doubled in size from his surprise. “How do you know?!”

“Well, you’ve got your ‘I’m in love’ face.”

Shao Fei blushed. “I’m not in love! I just met him two days ago!”

“And?” Zi Xuan wondered, letting a bit of his curiosity show.

Shao Fei turned his full body towards him. “He’s the most perfect guy I’ve ever seen! He’s handsome, kind and a tailor!”

“Maybe he’ll help your terrible fashion sense then,” Zi Xuan mocked with a straight face.

Shao Fei hit him on the shoulder. “Don’t be mean. I’ve got other talents.”

“You do,” he agreed unironically. Shao Fei was an amazing artist. “So what happened?”

“You know that there’s a big launching party for my comic and other releases this week-end, I invited you. Well on Saturday, my parents dragged me to this tailor to get a suit for the event, and Tang Yi worked there.”

“Tang Yi, uh?” Zi Xuan teased. “That’s a cool name.”

“Right?!” Shao Fei nodded excitedly. “Well Tang Yi asked me for my number!”

He was basically shouting in his ears now, grabbing his arms in sheer euphoria.

“And we went on a date yesterday!”

“Already?”

“Yeah, he couldn’t wait to see me again.”

“So I guess it went well then,” he smiled suspiciously.

“Zi Xuan,” Shao Fei was now basically whispering in his ear, as if it was the most important secret, “I had the best night of my life!”

Zi Xuan laughed, happy for his friend, who had really needed to get some for a while now.

“Well I’m happy for you my friend.”

Shao Fei’s hype had toned down a little now, though he was still wearing the cheesiest smile on his face.

“What about you?”

Zi Xuan felt himself get shy. “What about me?”

“Well? Is there someone you like?”

He sighed. For a month he had kept his relationship with Yu Hao secret, but now it felt like everyone was bound to know about it.

“Do you remember the trainee that was here last month?”

“No,” whispered Shao Fei, under shock.

“Well we’re sorta having a thing.”

“You’re dating him?!”

Zi Xuan shook his head, annoyed. This was exactly why he didn’t want to talk about Yu Hao. Even he didn’t understand their relationship.

“We’re not. It’s… quite complicated.”

“But… you’re banging a teenager, though?”

It wasn’t said with malicious intent, but it still hurt a little.

“He’s not a teenager, he’s 21. And he’s the one who pursued me first.”

Shao Fei seemed to pick up on his defensiveness, but still carried on. “Isn’t he… a bit young, though?”

“You think I don’t know that?!” He exclaimed, feeling embarrassed and angry all at once. “I tried to stop it, but he always comes back to pursue me…”

“I’m sorry,” Shao Fei said.

“It’s not like I’ve been into younger guys or girls before. I like people my age or a bit older, never younger,” Zi Xuan continued. “But he came into my life and made me have more fun than I’ve ever had before.”

He was smiling slightly now. “It’s not just about sex, Fei. I love him.”

Shao Fei stayed silent for a while, staring at his own hands, contemplating what he could reply.

“I get it. I’m sorry for what I said.”

Zi Xuan felt like crying. “I’m sorry for yelling at you. It’s just… I hadn’t felt guilty about him for a while. You reminded me of why we aren’t officially together.”

“Do you want to, though?”

“What?”

“Be with him?”

“Yes.”

Yu Hao invited him to a concert. It was on Friday night, and apparently none of his friends liked that kind of music.

Zi Xuan liked it just fine, like the bland music you hear on the radio, but had accepted to go with him since the tickets were cheap and he couldn’t seem to say no to Yu Hao.

The concert was good. Live music is almost always better than recorded one. What he liked the most was seeing Yu Hao revel in the song’s words and dance the night away.

It felt good to be with him here, in a faceless crowd where no one could judge them. He felt safe, feeling Yu Hao’s arm around his waist, his head on his shoulder or lips on his cheek. That night felt a little surreal.

He invited Yu Hao to come home with him. It had become natural, when it was something taboo a week ago. Now Yu Hao knew his house almost as well as he did.

They made love many times, Yu Hao’s insatiable appetite pushing them to continue. Zi Xuan liked the many sleepless nights they spent together, having sex, talking, eating some random snacks at 3 am and having uncontrollable fits of laughter.

Zi Xuan woke up earlier than usual for a week-end after having spent the night with Yu Hao. It was Shao Fei’s launch party and he needed to be there in time for his comic launch announcement.

The party was happening in the fancy part of town in an expensive hotel and started at 5 pm.

This meant Zi Xuan had enough time to find his one and only suit lost in his closet, have lunch, have some more sex with Yu Hao (he knew sex never stopped with him) and spend one hour in the bus to get to the other part of town.

Yu Hao woke up a few minutes after him, kissing him tenderly.

“I can’t spend the entire day with you today,” he reminded him.

“Because of your friend’s party?” He had already talked to him about it.

“Hm,” he nodded.

Yu Hao seemed to hesitate for a while, before asking: “Can’t I come with you?”

Zi Xuan sighed. He had hoped he wouldn’t say that, but deep down he knew this would happen.

“It’s a boring party about books and comics,” he replied. “I’m only going for Shao Fei, but I won’t even know anyone. You won’t like it.”

Yu Hao looked disappointed, of course he did. “But I’d know you.”

Zi Xuan turned on his side, facing him. “Why do you want to come?”

“To be with you,” he answered truthfully, making Zi Xuan’s heart swell. “And also… I’ve always wanted to have sex in fancy hotel bathrooms.”

He had whispered the last part jokingly, letting his hand wander on Zi Xuan’s ass.

Zi Xuan thought about it for a minute. It’s true that Shao Fei would probably not have a lot of time for him, preferring to stay with his family. He also knew about Yu Hao, so wouldn’t make any comment. Maybe it’d be good for him that Yu Hao be there.

“Do you really want to go?”

“Yes.”

“Then okay.”

“Yaaaay!” He exclaimed, rolling over him, kissing him sloppily. “Thank you.”

“Okay okay, I’ve already said yes, stop trying to be cute,” Zi Xuan joked, kissing his cheek.

“I don’t need to try, that’s my natural form.”

They ended up having to go to Yu Hao’s studio for him to fetch his suit, before going on their hour long bus ride.

During that time, Zi Xuan could feel his hand on his thigh. It wasn’t trying to caress, or arouse, it was just there, to show him Yu Hao was here, next to him.

Zi Xuan’s heart was starting to hurt from his love for Yu Hao. It didn’t hurt in the way it had before, when his first boyfriend had broken up with him or he had realized he and his girlfriend were doomed.

It hurt because things between them weren’t clear, and it was mostly his own fault. It hurt because he wanted to date him so bad, but couldn’t find the strength to ask him. It hurt because he loved him in a way he hadn’t loved anyone before: with the others, he had never been so consumed by love.

They arrived at the fancy hotel about 10 minutes after the party had started, and found their way to Shao Fei in the crowd.

Yu Hao stayed a little behind him, suddenly shy for the first time in his life, while Zi Xuan hugged his friend.

“Congratulations! I’m proud of you!”

Shao Fei had never looked so radiant: it seemed as if all his body was smiling. “Thank you, Xuan.”

He then looked behind him, seeing Yu Hao. His eyes didn’t lose their joy, but became tinted of curiosity.

“You brought him here.”

“He insisted,” Zi Xuan replied with a small smile, faking confidence.

It was a big deal, though. To introduce him to his friend.

“Hi,” said Shao Fei, addressing Yu Hao.

“Hello,” the student replied, a little embarrassed.

Zi Xuan knew that Shao Fei would ask him if they were finally together, but, luckily, he spotted another man behind his friend as well. It suddenly appeared that this party was just a double date after all.

“So. You brought him,” Zi Xuan replied with a teasing smile.

Shao Fei blushed slightly. “He insisted.”

“Hello,” Tang Yi said, shaking both Zi Xuan and Yu Hao’s hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“So, you’re the famous Tang Yi, uh?” Zi Xuan asked. “Well I’ve heard a lot about you in the past week.”

The man’s confidence was wavering, which was Zi Xuan’s goal. His friend had been single for a few years and deserved a good man, so Zi Xuan felt extra protective of him.

“Zi Xuan, you’re making him nervous,” Shao Fei laughed, interrupting their exchange of gazes.

They talked for a little while until it was time for the launch announcements. They all sat next to Shao Fei’s parents, who looked as proud as peacocks. When they called Shao Fei to announce his comic, the little group applauded like crazy, and Zi Xuan felt the irresistible need to scream ‘that’s my friend!’ on the top of his lungs before he reminded himself that it wasn’t this kind of event.

The announcements and speeches done, they all found a table and started eating the delicious free food together. After a few minutes, Shao Fei’s parents went to dance in a corner of the room, and Shao Fei immediately pulled at his sleeve.

“So, now you can tell me, are you together or not?”

It had been louder than a whisper and lower than his regular speech, which meant Yu Hao had heard it all. Zi Xuan turned his head to verify his theory and yep, here he was, staring at both Shao Fei and him. Damn this nosy artist.

“What about you two,” he said in a full voice to obtain Tang Yi’s attention. “are you together already?”

He was stalling. Of course he was, even Yu Hao knew it, having tensed up next to him.

“Well…” Shao Fei started a little sheepish.

Tang Yi took his hand in his and looked at Shao Fei with a soft look. “Yeah, he asked me this morning.”

“That’s great!” Zi Xuan exclaimed. “Thank god, you’ve gotten him out of years of being single!”

Shao Fei hit him on the shoulder with a pout, before turning back to his boyfriend and adopting the cutest look. “Thank you for rescuing me,” he joked.

Zi Xuan smiled at that view and continued eating his meal, until he realized he had three pairs of eyes on him. He looked back at Shao Fei.

“So? Are you together?”

Zi Xuan gulped and stared at Yu Hao in the hopes that he would say something, but he didn’t. Instead, he just stared at him all the same with an unreadable expression.

“We’re not.”

Shao Fei must have felt the awkward atmosphere because he left it at that. Next to Zi Xuan, Yu Hao was standing up.

“I’m going to the bathroom.”

Zi Xuan nodded, going back to his plate.

“I’m so sorry, Xuan! I thought that you had finally asked him to date officially since you showed up together...” Shao Fei explained.

“It’s okay,” he replied. “Let’s talk about something else. You better offer me a copy of your comic when it comes out.”

“Pfff, you thought. I need money, dude.”

After 30 minutes, Zi Xuan’s mood was already better. Shao Fei’s parents had came back to the table and were chatting happily, distracting him, but eventually he realized that Yu Hao hadn’t come back from the bathroom. He decided to go search for him.

There were multiple bathrooms in that fancy hotel and Zi Xuan had to search a couple before he found Yu Hao. He wasn’t even in it anymore, but was instead sat on the carpet in the hall.

“Yu Hao, what’s going on?” He asked urgently. “Do you feel sick?”

He didn’t answer right away but when he did it was a clear: “Yes.”

“Where?”

“I feel sick of us.”

He had looked up when he said that, tears in his eyes. Zi Xuan felt himself exhale loudly. He had always known that day would come, when Yu Hao would get bored of him.

But he didn’t think it would happen now, not right after the night they had spent together. Nothing indicated Yu Hao’s disinterest of him, up until this damn party. Maybe he was just too unpredictable.

“Okay.”

Yu Hao’s body shook a little, from laughter and sobbing all at once.

“Okay? That’s all you’ve got to say?”

“Well, what do you want me to say? I always knew you’d get bored of me eventually.”

Yu Hao exploded, laughing uncontrollably, tears rolling on his cheeks.

“Fuck you. You think it’s about boredom?! You fucking asshole.”

Zi Xuan’s whole body wanted to sink into the ground. He didn’t want to deal with that. He was so happy, that morning, and now it was all going to shit.

“I’m sorry. Tell me why you feel sick of us, then.”

Yu Hao got up, breathing some fresh air for a while before he said, calmer: “I’ve accepted everything from you. That you didn’t want introduce me to anyone you know, that you didn’t bring me to your home, that you didn’t want to date me.”

Ah. There it was. What made him feel sick.

“You’ve accepted everything?” Zi Xuan had to laugh. “I have literally always done everything you wanted me to do, I’ve given in to every single one of your whims, and I’m supposed to be the egoistical one here?!”

“I didn’t say you were egoistical,” Yu Hao replied. “I’ve said I’ve always accepted us for what you wanted us to be. But now I can’t anymore.”

“Well okay, then.” Zi Xuan replied. “Then let’s break up.”

Yu Hao laughed again, looking a little crazy, new tears rolling down his cheeks.

“For that, we should’ve been together in the first place.”

“Is that why you’re acting like this? Because of what Shao Fei said?”

“No shit, Sherlock. You know, I thought that if I showed what a capable boyfriend I was you’d finally ask me, but you never did. And even today I was still hoping that you’d ask me before we went to the party, because I would have said yes. But instead, you’re horrified at the idea of dating me when your friend asks you.”

“Yu Hao, you should have told me you felt that way.”

“What do you think? That I can have sex with a guy, go out with him and tell him all my thoughts and secrets for weeks and not feel anything like you?”

Zi Xuan closed his eyes, tears forming in their corners.

“I don’t feel nothing,” he whispered. “But you’re too young for me, I told you that already.”

“Youth!” He shouted, exasperated. “All you talk about is youth! But I’ve proven you again and again and again that I’m a capable boyfriend. I take care of you, I cook for you, I take you out to have new experiences, I satisfy your every need -”

“You’re too immature,” Zi Xuan interrupted.

“You’re like a kid, when you want something, you need it immediately. I can’t say no to you. Besides, you want a relationship but you’ve never had a real one. All you’ve done is jump from guy to guy ever since you were sixteen. And I’m too old for you. In a year I won’t want to go out as much because it will have bored me or have sex as much because my body won’t be able to handle it, and you’ll resent me for it.”

“Why are you always planning ahead?!”

“Because you exhaust me now, Yu Hao! I can’t imagine what it will be if we’re really together.”

He was still crying, but now he looked more hurt than ever before. He looked up to the fancy ceiling, before looking at him again. “You’re really a fucking asshole.”

“I’m sorry, but this is what I feel.”

“Well, what I feel is sick. You disgust me,” he concluded. “So fuck you, and never contact me again.”

And with that, he left, leaving Zi Xuan alone with his thoughts.

Love was such a losing game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay but writing Shao Fei and Zi Xuan as besties made me realize that Shao Fei and Cheng En are essentially the same person: pushy, loud and excited all the time haha
> 
> Sorry for the sad ending, but you know it always gets better with me because I can’t seem to write bad endings haha


	5. Chapter 5

“It’s your fault, you know.”

Shao Fei sighed, sipping on his white plastic coffee cup. He didn’t answer.

“We had a good thing, but you had to ruin it.”

He looked at him with an incredulous smile. Still didn’t utter a word.

“You had to open your goddamn mouth and ruin the best thing I’ve ever had.”

“You know,” he finally said, getting up. “Come to me when you’ve calmed down. I don’t wanna deal with it.”

He left the same way he came, going back to his classroom, leaving Zi Xuan all alone on his bench.

It hurt like hell. Especially for a relationship that had never been official. It had been 2 days and Zi Xuan hadn’t slept or eaten much.

All he could think about was Yu Hao’s words and tears and the hurt look on his face… he had done that. He had fucked up the thing that had made him the happiest.

At lunch, Zi Xuan went to Shao Fei empty classroom, hugging him way too hard, though he didn’t complain about it.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,” he said, tears forming in his eyes. “It’s just so awful.”

Shao Fei hugged him back, caressing his hair. He had always been an easy forgiver.

He already knew what had happened, since Zi Xuan had left the party suddenly and then called him that night to apologize, telling him everything.

They sat on the desk, next to each other, while Zi Xuan kept crying.

“Xuan, if you hurt like that you need to go see him and tell him everything you feel.”

“But he hates me. He told me to never contact him again,” he cried. “The worst thing is that I forgot my clothes at his place when I changed into my suit Saturday.”

It had been said in a crazy laugh, mixed with a sob, at the irony of the situation.

“Then you go to his place and you explain that you love him and want him back. To be in a real relationship this time.”

“But he’s gonna get bored of me and I’m gonna be heartbroken…” he moaned with a sniff.

“Zi Xuan… what good is not dating him gonna do? You already love him, you’re already hurt when he breaks things off with you so why not give dating a real shot?”

Zi Xuan looked at him with a surprised look. He wasn’t wrong.

“You’ve got to choose between being miserable now for sure 100% or maybe miserable in the future but you’re not even sure about that. Personally I know what I’d pick,” Shao Fei smiled, a hand on his shoulder.

“You’re right,” Zi Xuan nodded.

“So you go there this afternoon, you confess your love, you ask him to date you and you get your clothes back.”

They both laughed, hugging again.

“Thank you,” he said.

“Thank me when you get your man back,” Shao Fei smiled.

Each step up to Yu Hao’s apartment made his head feel heavier and challenged his will to actually go through it.

Once he arrived in front of his door, he stayed right in front of it without doing anything for a few minutes. Right now, there was still some hope.

But, depending on the outcome of their talk, he could lose all hopes very soon. And that scared him the most.

When he finally knocked, he could hear Yu Hao’s steps come up to the door, probably looking at him through the peephole. He expected the door to open at any moment, but it didn’t.

The steps didn’t start again, though, which meant they were only separated by a door.

He knocked again, and said: “Please open me.”

He heard steps going away and thought he was doomed, but they seemed to come back after long minutes.

When the door opened, they stared at each other until Yu Hao extended Zi Xuan’s clothes in his direction.

“Here it is,” he declared, moving to close the door again.

“Wait!” Zi Xuan’s foot blocked the door from closing, and Yu Hao opened it half-way through again. “I’m not here for the clothes… I’m here to talk to you.”

“I think we’ve said everything we had to say to each other,” Yu Hao smiled sadly.

“Maybe you did, but not me. Please let me in,” he begged.

The student hesitated for interminable seconds before nodding and pushing himself to let him in. Zi Xuan finally exhaled, already thinking about what he could say next.

They stood in the center of his studio, looking at each other awkwardly, waiting for Zi Xuan to say something.

“So?” Yu Hao spoke again. “What do you wanna say?”

“I… messed it up,” he declared. “And I’m sorry about it. I haven’t been sleeping or eating ever since we had this fight, and I’m not saying that so you feel bad.”

“I don’t.”

He looked down. “I’m saying that because I want to tell you how much I love you.”

Yu Hao froze, face emotional. “I’m sorry for saying it at the worst time possible,” he laughed a little. “But I do. I’ve been in love with you for a while now. And I should have known that I was being dumb about this ‘non-relationship’ thing as soon as I realized my feelings, but I didn’t.”

He felt his eyes get wet and got closer to the young man.

“In my mind, I thought that not being together would keep me from falling for you, but it didn’t. Because we were basically dating anyway, weren’t we?”

Yu Hao nodded, a small smile on his lips.

“Yu Hao,” he whispered. “I’m scared. Of your youth, of your lack of experience, of your innocence and yes, sometimes, immaturity. But I know you’ve proved me again and again that the age difference between us is only accidental and that we still… fit together.”

He exhaled again. Damn, despite having said the most important things, it still felt nerve-wracking.

“You’re not just an age, I know that. You’re a great athlete, you’re funny, adventurous, an amazing cook and you always know how to make me feel happy.” He smiled. “This month and a half with you I’ve never been happier. And I’m sorry for our fight. I’m just scared, you know?”

“You think I’m not scared?”

It was the first time he spoke in a few minutes.

“I never wanted to be your 20-something gratified hooker, I’ve always been scared of you not seeing me as more than an entertainment. And I accepted our unspecified relationship despite how much it confirmed for me that it’s what I was to you.”

“It’s not!” He said, taking his hand in his. “I never saw you like that. I wanted to, because I was scared of falling for you… but you entered my heart way before I was ready to face it.”

“I have that effect on people,” Yu Hao joked.

They stayed in silence, just staring at each other for an instant. He breathed in, breathed out. It was time for the most important thing he could ask that day.

“So… could we be… together for real, this time? I promise I won’t ever talk about your age ever again.”

Yu Hao smiled. “Aren’t you afraid I’ll get bored of you?”

Zi Xuan passed a hand on his cheek.

“Fei told me something that changed my view on this. I prefer the few percent chance I have to be miserable in the future over the certainty that, without you, right now, I am the saddest man in the world.”

“Now you’re just exaggerating,” Yu Hao smiled again.

Zi Xuan got even closer to him, biting his lips briefly. “So? What do you say? Should we give dating a try this time around?”

Yu Hao laughed, tears running on his cheeks. He put his hand over Zi Xuan’s, which was still on his cheek.

“You know, Zi Xuan, I can’t say no to you either.”

“Really?” It had been said in a sob from all the pressure finally releasing.

He couldn’t wait any longer and kissed him, holding onto his waist once they detached from each other.

“But you have to know something…” Yu hao continued. “I don’t think I’ll ever get bored of you.”

“Me neither,” he smiled, kissing him tenderly, before leaving a dozen of pecks on his lips. “I love you, Yu Hao.”

“Hm,” he agreed. “I love you too, you asshole.”

“So… when do we meet that boyfriend of yours?” asked his mom during their Sunday lunch.

“Don’t be too pushy mom, we just got together,” he smiled.

“Well, it’s not about the time you spent together, it’s about the strength of your love, darling. Either he is the one or not.”

“Mom, you’re making him uncomfortable,” Qian Ru intervened.

“It’s okay,” he defended. “He’s the one. It’s too early to talk about forever, but… he makes me the happiest I’ve ever been.”

“Awww,” cooed his dad in a mocking manner, passing a hand in his hair. “Our boy is in love!”

He blushed a little while his family laughed. “I’ll bring him next week.”

“Great!”

“You didn’t tell them about my age?!” Yu Hao exclaimed while they were on the way to his parents’ house the following week.

“Well… we said we wouldn’t talk about it anymore...”

“As a bad thing between us! Here it’s your parents we’re talking about! They’re probably expecting a 35 years old lawyer or something!”

“Okay,” he said, putting a soothing hand on his thigh. “Calm down. It’s gonna be fine. They’ve liked all of my girlfriends so far...”

“Even better! Now they’re gonna compare me to them!”

Yu Hao pushed his head onto his arm, sighing. “I’m sorry. It’s just, I’m nervous. I’ve never been in a relationship before, so meeting my boyfriend’s parents is… stressful.”

“Yu Hao,” he whispered. “They’re going to see how much I love you and they’ll love you too. My family isn’t complicated. They want me to be happy. And you’re the one that makes me happy.”

Yu Hao smiled, kissing his cheek. “You’re adorable.”

“I know,” he responded.

The slight surprise on his parents face when they saw Yu Hao wasn’t missed by the both of them. Qian Ru pushed their parents away to take a look at the boyfriend. She smiled when she saw him.

“Hello!” she exclaimed. “Welcome to our home!”

“Yes, welcome,” replied their mother, getting over her initial shock.

“Thank you,” Yu Hao smiled, a little awkward.

Once they were all inside, Zi Xuan squeezed Yu Hao’s waist to give him a little courage.

His mother had prepared an even better feast than usual, and the table looked good with a fifth chair around it.

“This looks delicious,” Yu Hao complimented.

“Well, thank you.”

They ate the first few bites in silence, before hurricane Qian Ru started.

“So, Yu Hao, what do you do in life?”

“I’m a sports student.”

“Oh, like Zi Xuan,” his dad remarked.

“That’s how we met actually...” Yu Hao smiled lovingly in his direction.

“What do you mean?”

Zi Xuan took the lead. “Yu Hao was a trainee under my supervision at school a few weeks ago.”

“Really? Uh, that’s interesting.”

His mother seemed shocked at the news.

“Yes, well nothing happened when he was my trainee…” He clarified.

“You’re still very young, though, Yu Hao,” his father spoke.

“Could we not talk about this, please?” Zi Xuan asked, feeling incredibly uncomfortable.

“No, it’s okay,” Yu Hao interrupted. “I am young. 21 to be exact. I don’t have a job yet, I’m not as mature as your son, and I do have a different lifestyle from him. And these are all things that kept us from being together for weeks.”

He exhaled.

“Despite our love for each other, Zi Xuan always tried to be the bigger person and hesitated to date me, but the truth is that this hesitation is purely mental. It has nothing to do with our hearts, or reality. Despite our age difference, we get along really well, in particular because of our love for sports, and we know how to take care of each other. I don’t even think age should even be part of the conversation.”

His parents were stunned, and sister grinning from ear to ear.

“I should’ve told you he was younger. I’m sorry. But as I’ve told you, he makes me happier than I’ve ever been.”

“Well, in that case…” his mom uttered. “I think you’ve made a great case for your relationship.”

They all laughed a little, and his dad patted him on the back. “I like him.”

“Oh, you cooked again!” Yu Hao exclaimed, seeing the feast Zi Xuan had prepared for him.

He had invited him to his apartment for a little date night to celebrate their three months of being together. Well, technically they only had been officially together for a month and a half, but they had agreed that their first non-official month together still counted.

“Well, I wanted to please my boyfriend of three months,” he smiled.

“You’re so cheesy,” Yu Hao mocked, kissing his cheek.

“Maybe, but I spent all day in the kitchen for this so you better say it’s delicious,” he threatened while laughing.

They sat together around Zi Xuan’s little round table and he watch Yu Hao take a bite out of his first plate and hum in agreement.

“Do you like it?”

“You’ve gotten really good at this,” Yu Hao squeezed his hand.

“I know, I’ve learned it from someone...”

“Really? Who is that?” Yu Hao teased.

“Hum… I don’t really know, he’s just some random guy I’ve been dating for a few months,” he beamed. “He’s really annoying but he cooks really well and is really good in bed.”

Yu Hao laughed, putting his head on his shoulder. “I love you so much, Zi Xuan.”

“Well, if I wasn’t already head over heels in love with my boyfriend, I’d love you too,” he responded.

Yu Hao’s head shot up and kissed him with a smile. “Idiot.”

They looked at each other in silence for a few seconds, and Zi Xuan decided it was time.

“I wanna give you something.”

“I thought we said no gifts!” Yu Hao pouted.

“It’s not really a gift… I mean, it is, but it’s not the kind of gifts you’re thinking about.”

“Okay, okay, give it to me, and I’ll see if I accept it,” he teased.

Zi Xuan fished something out of his pants pocket and put it on the table. Yu Hao stared at it for a while, before Zi Xuan felt like he had to say something.

“Maybe it’s a little too soon… but I wanna give it to you.”

Yu Hao looked up at him with teary eyes, before redirecting his attention to the apartment key on the table.

“That way you can come see me whenever you want, and you don’t have to wait for me outside.” Zi Xuan explained further.

“Zi Xuan… can the rest of the meal be re-heated?” Yu Hao suddenly.

“Uh, not really, why?”

“Because I am so turned on by the behavior you just exhibited, you asshole!” He exclaimed with a smile. “Now eat quickly, or I’m gonna explode.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaah, it's over! I really loved writing this fic and I hope you enjoyed reading it!


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